Summary
Host: Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS
In this episode of the Wisconsin Wellness Podcast, host Laurie Groh discusses the importance of apologies and repairs in relationships. She explains the rhythm of a relationship and the need for harmony, distress, and repair. Laurie explores the reasons why people may struggle with apologizing, including shame, fear, the desire to maintain control, defensiveness, and ego protection. She emphasizes the significance of sincere apologies and provides guidance on asking questions to engage in deeper conversations and make amends. Laurie also addresses the impact versus intention and the different types of apologies. She concludes by offering phrases to use when not ready to apologize and expressing gratitude for the willingness to learn and grow in relationships.
Takeaways
Apologies and repairs are fundamental parts of a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Understanding the reasons why people may struggle with apologizing can help cultivate compassion and empathy.
Sincere apologies focus on the impact of one's actions and include action items for improvement.
Engaging in deeper conversations and asking specific questions can facilitate understanding and make amends.
Chapters
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Transcript
Laurie Groh (00:00.526)
Hello fellow Wisconsinite and welcome to the Wisconsin Wellness Podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Grow. Today we're going to be talking about apologies and repairs in relationships. One of the most important things in a relationship is to recognize that we're not perfect and that we need to make repairs.
Today we're going to talk about some of the common reasons why we might not want to apologize, why somebody else may not apologize. We'll talk about ways we can apologize, things to avoid when making an apology, and what to do when we don't feel like we did anything wrong.
I hope you enjoy the show. Let's go over first, the rhythm of a relationship. Pia Melody and Terry Real talk about this quite often in their work. Every single relationship has a three step cycle. Harmony, distress, and repair. One of the main difficulties that I see with my clients that I feel some
myself is that it seems as though there's something either wrong with us or there's something wrong with the relationship when that pattern in rhythm is natural. It is a hundred percent vital and important in a healthy relationship. If you think about a newborn and their caretaker, it starts that soon.
The baby enters the world usually in distress. It was in harmony when it was in the womb, right? Oh, this is good. I'm liking this floating around. Maybe at that point, close to the end, they're not doing too much floating. But what happens next is a transition, transition to the world. And that causes distress. What do I do now? And as a parent, you want to nurture and care for that child. So we go into repair.
Laurie Groh (02:18.56)
But when we're talking about a baby, it's generally pretty clear cut. Baby's going to cry because it's hungry, tired, uncomfortable, wet themselves. Our whole job as a parent in that realm is to figure it out, reduce the distress.
If we completely redo in a child's life, they will have little to no coping skills in the real world. So just take that in for a minute when you might feel that parental shame of making mistakes and not doing things right. Because it's a necessary part of the relationship. You must grow, they must grow. You must cope, they must cope.
You must repair, they must repair. All of those things are necessary components. When we look at why somebody might not want to apologize, why they might have difficulty repairing a conflict or a relationship, it's usually for a handful of reasons. Why we might not be getting the apology we want. The reason I want you to know this is so that you can find a space of
compassion and understanding, it probably doesn't have to do too much with you. It has to do with how that other person is feeling. So we might not get that apology because the other person's struggling with some of these things. You might also notice yourself struggling with some of these things in regards to repairing or apologizing yourself. Shame, fear, and a desire to maintain control, defensiveness, ego protection.
Those are the main ones. Shame is extremely powerful. I am almost positive you've experienced some amount of shame in your life. Shame is a very ing -feeling. It's a feeling of not being worthy, being inherently bad, feeling fundamentally flawed. And when individuals experience shame, most will want to get out of it really quickly. There is potentially a quick response when shame arrives.
Laurie Groh (04:29.998)
for someone. No one really wants to feel that way. So there might be some tactics that someone uses to get out of that. And one of them might be avoidance. It might be, Hey, if I'm not going to admit to this, because if this was true, then I'm a horrible person. And it's missing the fact that mistakes are part of human existence, relationships.
part of understanding that other person. Recognize that might be one of the reasons why somebody might not be apologizing. They might be fearing judgment, rejection, or feeling that shame that they aren't sure they know how to get out of. One of their ways to get us out of shame is blaming. If someone's feeling shameful and
they don't like it and they want to get out of it. A quick way to do that is to deny responsibility internally, externally. It does work to temporarily get rid of that feeling, but you're not really just, the feeling isn't really just going away. It's actually being tossed to the other person and we'll get tossed right back to you. Fear is another one that comes up for people. Again, like that fear of judgment.
fear of retaliation or rejection, loss of status. All of these things can really hinder someone's ability to apologize. Think about times in your life where it was difficult to apologize. Could be a situation where you're at your place of employment and you make a mistake. You forget to turn in a report that was due and you don't want to apologize. You want to make excuses so that you don't lose respect.
potentially a raise that you don't lose your job. So recognize that it might be out of fear. The desire to maintain control tends to be about controlling our image. I want to make sure that this other person doesn't see me in a negative way. If I say, I'm sorry for this and agree to somebody else's perception, then I lose the control I have.
Laurie Groh (06:40.174)
or believe I have over my narrative. This could be something that gets in the way of somebody apologizing. If they see themselves as a very giving person and the other person has a complaint and says, you don't help me around the house, you're selfish. It's going to be hard for a person to apologize for that because they see themselves as a generous, helpful person. They're going to probably refuse to say they're sorry about that and say,
It's not that I won't help you, it's cause you don't ask. Or it's not that I won't help you, but I was in the middle of something. It's, and continue on. And those things might be true. It's, however, that's not necessarily helping the relationship. They may also feel like it's a sign of weakness. In all actuality, most people that are able to find ways to apologize and make amends showcase a lot of strength.
So it might be shifting some of the ideas we have regarding apology. Defensiveness is another one. This is a protective mechanism that we use to shield ourselves from criticism. Who does really? If then we aren't going to want to take it in as saying, Hey, you hurt me when you said this. Ego protection is this idea to protect yourself and you may prioritize self -preservation.
over the relational benefits of that mistake. My image comes before the relationship. This was a huge game changer for me in my relationships was practicing letting go of that self image that I was trying to protect. I was definitely wanting to protect that and made it very difficult at times to apologize. What I found though is the more that I apologize, the more I'm understanding what
I did that was hurtful and the more that I'm doing that, the easier it becomes. I'm not so focused in on what I seem like to somebody else. Pause for a moment. I want you to think about which one of these you might have a tendency to do when you're noticing you don't want to apologize. And just a side note, sometimes it has to do also with the fact that you are feeling hurt. Another...
Laurie Groh (09:00.618)
The reason we might avoid apologizing is the general uncomfortability of it. Apologizing is intimate and that doesn't always feel very comfortable for people. And acknowledging your shortcomings is challenging and difficult and makes you vulnerable. You are basically saying, I'm putting my protective barrier down and letting you know I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry that I forgot about this favor for you. I'm sorry about...
not being there for you like I would have wanted. I want to talk a bit about impact versus intention. We can sometimes focus so much on our intentions, our good intentions, and I'm a good person and I care about people and I'd never want to hurt anyone. That can actually block us from fully seeing the impact of our behaviors. The impact refers to those actual consequences of an action.
onto others. So whether this is your intention or not to hurt someone, your behavior caused that. That was a consequence of the behavior. So for instance, let's say I forgot my friend's birthday and I apologize and say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I would never intend on doing that and that wouldn't have been my intention.
to hurt you, you don't need to intend for that to happen for it to happen. But the impact is still the same. It still causes pain and hurt. Apologize for the impact and don't make excuses for... Okay. So I'm going to go through a few questions that you can ask someone when you've hurt them. These questions are meant to engage in a deeper conversation, help you understand, help you learn.
help the apology land well. One of the most important things about an apology isn't about what you say, although we'll talk about that, but it is about whether or not it's received and how it's received. We often will forget about that other person and how they're taking it in. And you can learn while you go in this process. You can ask questions to help you understand a bit more.
Laurie Groh (11:25.71)
So here are some questions you can ask. Can you help me understand how my actions hurt you? This allows that person to feel like you really want to hear and see them. What are those specific words or actions of mine were most hurtful to you? I want to make sure that I'm not doing that again. So this allows for that person to be very specific. It, anytime something's broad, it can feel very unmanageable. So the more specific you can get within the conversation about
The hurt, the better the outcome will be. How are you feeling right now? And is there anything I can do to help support you? Again, this allows for that person to express themselves because they probably have a lot to express and it allows them to give suggestions and neither of you are alone in this process. So they might have something that would help.
Is there anything I can do to make amends? That aligns with that as well. So you're asking specific action items and there might not be anything. It might be time. This is a tough one. Are there patterns of behavior you've noticed and contributed to this behavior? When you ask this particular question, you have to be centered and open. Remember this is somebody else's interpretation of what's going on.
and see it as that, as useful information from their perspective doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Typically there's a bit of truth in it, but take it in. Remember that it's coming from them, their experiences, their past hurts. It doesn't necessarily mean this is cut and dry and the absolute truth. Is there something that we both could do so that this doesn't come up again?
This is useful when both parties have responsibility for the outcome. So miscommunications is a good example. Logistical issues like how do we make sure we don't miss this appointment or I have plans and you have plans. What can we do to prevent that from happening? Those are some examples of what you can ask to get deeper in that conversation. Apologies and repairs are...
Laurie Groh (13:49.55)
fundamental parts of a relationship. And anytime that an apology doesn't happen, you are putting your relationship at risk for not recovering. They're essential for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. Those unresolved conflicts can have a significant impact on individuals. It can cause a toxic environment, resentment, anger.
and the breakdown in the relationship and trust can also affect our mental health and wellbeing. It can cause additional stress and anxiety for both people. It doesn't, not just one, they can also cause a ripple effect overflowing into other areas of that person's life. So there's four main categories of an apology. There's the sincere apology.
where somebody says, I'm truly sorry for not being there when you needed me. I recognize my mistake and I'm working on being more present in the future. That's a sincere apology. What makes it sincere is you are making it about the other person. You are recognizing and saying this was my mistake and you're doing something moving forward.
Sometimes people will feel like an apology is not really sincere if there's no action item after that. Even if it's as simple as saying, I'm going to continue to think about this and figure out ways that I can make this better going forward. This relationship is really important to me, so I'm going to continue to think about this. It can be really powerful. That person's going to feel very cared for. And...
It helps to rebuild that trust that was broken when there was a conflict. Now there's those conditional apologies and I hear them quite a bit in my office. Probably have done it once or twice myself. And I apologize for giving a conditional apology. You've heard it here, but a conditional apology is these apologies that come with strings attached. So it's like saying, I regret this, but...
Laurie Groh (16:10.286)
I wouldn't have done this if you didn't do that. So an example, I'm sorry if you were hurt, but I was really stressed. You should have known I was stressed and you need to be more understanding. That's actually not an apology at all. That's a criticism. When you are apologizing, that is not a spot for it. Wait till a different day. You need to pay attention to that other person in an apology. A non -apology.
I'm sorry if you're upset. I'm sorry that you felt hurt. I just think you're just too sensitive or blatantly you're too sensitive. I was just joking. Apologies that lack that accountability are not taken well. In fact, that apology is blaming and not just critical of the situation when you say that to someone.
sexually you're criticizing that person, which is even more hurtful. All right, so this is one thing I know I do. I over -apologize. I think this has to do a lot with being a woman in our society, that tendency to want to be nice and almost avoid a conflict before it's even there.
But apologizing excessively for minor or trivial things isn't actually an apology. It's been a game changer for a lot of my clients. Over apologizing has to do with wanting reassurance. Are we okay? You are essentially asking, are you and I okay? You aren't actually apologizing, right? You aren't really thinking about that other person in those moments. I'm...
nervous and uncomfortable that they're mad at me. I'm nervous, uncomfortable and scared that they might not be my friend anymore. Sometimes they will feel like this is too much of an apology. Why does this person keep saying sorry a million times? An example would be though, I'm sorry I didn't call you immediately. I'm always letting you down. I'm so sorry for everything. I can't do anything right. What sometimes happens is the person you're apologizing to
Laurie Groh (18:30.606)
feels like they need to care for you, not the other way around. If I made a mistake and I hurt your feelings and I'm feeling so bad about it, that is my stuff to deal with. Not yours. I need to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes there's going to be times where you don't feel like you should apologize and you don't really think you did anything wrong. What do you do then? So,
I want to just encourage you to pause when this occurs and think about some things you can say because sometimes it has to do with us feeling hurt, angrily saying, I'm sorry, isn't help that other person. There's not really too much of a point to it. All it does is decreases the lack of trust because I can't trust that you actually mean that. So one thing...
I think it's important to have a few things you can say in these situations to give you space and time, but also let that other person know you care about them. So one example would be, I need some time to process my feelings before I can apologize. This conflict really upset me and I need some space to calm down, gather my thoughts. Another example, I'm still feeling hurt and angry about what happened.
I don't think I can apologize right now without it being insincere. I need more time to reflect on the situation. I will continue to think about what was discussed. I am still thinking about how I hurt you and how that happened. The relationship means so much to me and I want to make sure that I can listen fully and hear what you're saying and feeling. I want to make sure I'm calm before we have this discussion. I will do my best to listen openly.
to your perspective. So those are some examples of what you can do, what you can say when you're not necessarily feeling like you're in the space to apologize. If you want more ideas on how to apologize and some phrases that you can just keep for yourself in these times of difficulties, you can check out the Wisconsin Wellness Podcast website. And I do have a list of
Laurie Groh (20:59.438)
this information there as well as some blog articles. And I want to say thank you for giving me the time today. I know it's not easy to apologize. I know it's not easy to recognize what we might have done to contribute to a conflict. Thank you so much for taking that time to be open and willing to be open to hear some of these techniques. Thanks and have a great day.
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