EP 07: Understanding and Overcoming the Negativity Bias

Summary

Host:  Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS

In this episode of the Wisconsin Wellness Podcast, host Laurie Groh explores how cognitive biases might detrimentally affect personal relationships. Discussed biases include negativity bias, confirmation bias, and the priming effect. Laurie describes how these biases are deeply ingrained in human nature because of their adaptive significance in survival. However, they can obstruct the perception of reality within interpersonal dynamics, especially romantic partnerships, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Groh suggests recognizing and challenging these biases as a way to improve relationships. 

She supports her discussion with relevant examples and research studies, as well as an exercise to illustrate how biases influence perception. Also, the podcast underscores the necessity for self-love and communication in a relationship.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Welcome to the Podcast

00:39 Understanding How Your Brain Can Hinder Your Relationships

01:06 Exploring Cognitive Biases and Their Impact on Relationships

02:16 The Halo Effect: How Attractiveness Influences Our Perceptions

06:51 The Negativity Bias: How Our Brains Are Wired for Survival

07:52 Overcoming the Negativity Bias Through Gratitude and Positivity

09:14 The Confirmation Bias: How Our Beliefs Influence Our Perceptions

13:56 The Priming Effect: How Anticipation Influences Our Reactions

18:08 Personal Story: A Real-Life Example of Cognitive Biases in Relationships

23:24 Conclusion: Recognizing and Challenging Cognitive Biases

Takeaways

Episode Sponsors and links:

This episode is brought to you by:

⁠OMGyes ⁠ 

Get unlimited lifetime access to this groundbreaking material at the best prices.

GET YOUR UNLIMITED ACCESS TODAY!

Shoreside Therapies: 

Book a ⁠⁠free 15-minute consultation⁠⁠ online and get into therapy within a week!

⁠Free Workshops and Worksheets⁠

Laurie's Top 5 Recommended Books on Relationships:

1. ⁠⁠⁠Attached⁠
2. ⁠The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work⁠ 
3. ⁠The New Rules of Marriage⁠
4. ⁠Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples⁠
5. ⁠Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love ⁠

National Domestic Violence Hotline Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and more 

⁠Learn more⁠ 800-799-7233

Transcript

Laurie Groh (00:03.764)

Hello fellow Wisconsinites. My name's Laurie Grow and welcome to the Wisconsin Wellness Podcast. We have some wonderful guests today. We have Brandon Wells from ShoreSide Therapies, my partner in crime, my partner in work, but we're not married to be clear. Hi Laurie. Thanks for the invite. Really excited to be here. Yeah. Glad you could make it. We have Allie Devine as well from ShoreSide Therapies.

And she's a relationship counselor, but you work with other individuals as well. Who else do you see? Individuals coming in with relationship issues, stress management, all sorts of different presenting concerns. Awesome. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. All right. Kathleen Mack, we also have here today. Kathleen works with couples as well. She's also a death doula. Welcome Kathleen. Thanks for having me.

All right. And then we have Kristin Holmes. Hi, Kristin. Thanks for having me. Hi. Yeah. So Kristin works with families, couples, and a focus in adoption and foster care. So I want to say thank you to all of you for coming today, all of you from Shoreside Therapies. We're going to talk about relationships today. We have three relationship questions and to protect, to protect confidentiality,

we do have a special voiceover.

Laurie Groh (01:39.598)

Sounds terrifying, Lori. It's really just me, but I plugged my nose and I can read them. All right, so we got our first question. This past week, I started to get cold feet in regard to my relationship. It started when my car broke down on the way to work and I thought I could ask my partner to come and pick me up and take me to work. He picked me up, but said he wasn't going to take me to work because it would be a waste of his time and a waste of fuel as my work is 40 minutes from our house.

So instead, I listened to him angrily rant the whole way home, saying this wouldn't have happened if I bought a new car like he told me to. The next day, after my car broke down, I asked my partner if he wanted to come to my 12 -week ultrasound with me, and he said, unfortunately, I do not want to come. I cried on the drive there. Then I spoke to him, and he said he'd come to the next one, but only because I asked him to. I don't want my child growing up in this sort of environment.

We had a good night yesterday with no arguing and now I feel like there's hope, but we've been together for four years and not much has changed. I feel like we will be good for a while, but then something will happen and he'll get angry and treat me badly again. I'm not sure how to go about leaving. So she's questioning whether she should stay or she should go, but her last question does indicate she wants help being able to leave. Thoughts? I could start.

A few things, I think the other therapist would agree that there are some signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship, especially the on and off temperament. He comes back after maybe being upset and angry or even violent and makes up, right? And that's some quintessential abusive behavior. It sounds like she is trying to find an exit plan. And I think that would be the gist of trying to help her to.

to see how to do that in the healthiest possible way. Sounds like she's already got an idea that this isn't healthy and it hasn't gotten better in three years. Working with a therapist, you could find a strategy to exit. If for some reason he decides that he wants to do some therapy on his own, maybe down the road they can find a pathway through. But right now it looks like the gist should be an exit plan from an abusive relationship. Yeah. So those red flags being aggressive towards that puppy.

Laurie Groh (03:56.654)

And then going through those abusive type cycles. Correct. And she acknowledged in her question that it sounds like she has some pretty good self -awareness around the pattern and the cycle at hand. And that in the stage where he is apologetic and even comforting to her, that then she starts to feel signs of hope about the relationship again. But it sounds like she has some insight that eventually leads into.

the next phase, which likely is more abusive or harmful behavior. And so I think it's important for her to work through maybe finding some clarity around the direction that she wants to move in. So it sounds like there's maybe some back and forth understandably. Yeah, with the hope coming up, right? And do you all see that happening in relationships where somebody is wanting to exit and they'll get

almost like in that cycle of wanting to leave and feeling like it's the best thing. And then all of a sudden there's this glimmer of hope and they'll ride on that for a bit. Do y 'all see that? Absolutely. Yeah. I also think it's quite often that people are usually staying way too long in unhealthy relationships and clinging to pieces of hope versus seeing the red flags, the signals.

recognizing them for what they are and making a more expedient exit from a relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it's because of the need for clear proof or this idea of, I think this is what's happening, but I don't feel like I have enough evidence. It's a lot of different things. I think in the context of an abusive relationship, self -doubt is profound and usually that the results, the dynamic at hand, like that's

purposeful in some ways. Cast lighting behavior. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. I think another component that I see is people are tired and they've, and what I mean is the cycle that is really tumultuous or hostile or something happens is exhausting and stressful. And so when they come back to the stage of things are cool right now, it's, it feels like relief. It feels like break and understandably people.

Laurie Groh (06:17.774)

are necessarily ready to make a big move when they're in that space. Fear can be a factor in terms of why people stay in, but the use of tech relationships for longer than might be, might be healthy. So fear of their partner being reactive, fear of the uncertainty or the unknown. Sometimes the known is more comfortable than.

being alone, figuring out what life looks like outside of this relationship. So a lot of times what I'm working with people on is just getting comfortable with the idea of the unknown. I think in that dynamic, there's always the fear of abandonment too, abandoning either the person that is being abusive and them being like their person, right? The person that knows them.

and able to understand them. I think that's also why we can struggle with the fear of the unknown. What if it gets worse? What if they don't change? What does that mean for kids that are involved? But then I think ultimately too, there's a fear of abandonment and what if I walk away and what does this look like for the future child in this instance? So I've been processing what she shared with us. And obviously we just have this and not the context. But the thing that comes to mind is that her health, her physical health.

Her mental health, her emotional health is very important because she is growing and developing a child. And we know what that looks like in children who are born, who are in high stress environments, or there's abuse happening and the mother is feeling those, or experiencing those higher levels of cortisol and that impacts the baby. And so I think her safety and her pregnancy and the safety and being is priority here.

And making sure there's a strategy to exit has that as the priority. I think that's a great point. What's going on for her body and what does that mean to the baby? You mentioned something else I wanted to circle back to, which was that feeling of somebody knows me so much. It can be one of the hardest things about ending a relationship when you feel really known by someone or all my bad stuff is accepted by this person. And so there's a loss in that.

Laurie Groh (08:25.806)

That person is your person that you've been with for a big chunk of time, three years is significant. Knows your daily ins and outs, isn't going to be there anymore. And I think talking to somebody can help quite a bit with processing that, building other relationships as well. Even if you're not ready to exit right now, that could be another strategy, connecting more with other people and letting yourself be known by other people that are close to you. So it doesn't feel like such a jump.

if you are thinking of leaving that relationship. If she were to do some of your own individual work, the therapist would be challenging some of the beliefs around the feeling of truly being accepted and known by this person because it sounds like he's pretty critical. Perhaps he knows and steps her in the sense that he will stay in a relationship with her, but it doesn't sound like he's accepting of her flaws. It sounds like he wanting to use them against her.

when he has the opportunity. Right. Yeah. Before we go, I think it's also important to put some information about a domestic violence or like crisis hotline here in case that's a resource that they need. Maybe they don't have a therapist or they don't have a friend or someone that trust they can go to. You can just add in some information about hotline. Definitely. Definitely. For a domestic abuse hotline, check our link in the show notes. Next question.

My boyfriend got fired a few weeks ago and now spends most of his day just chilling at home. Lots of TV watching, going to sports and fitness classes during the day. He's a bit more helpful around the house, but I still do most of the housework cleaning, laundry, groceries, taking garbage out. He has some ideas about jobs he wants to pursue, but no immediate plans nor timeline about when he might be working again. He is using his severance, savings and family support to co -spy on this time.

and hasn't made much of an effort to scrimp or save in light of his unemployment. That said he has enough money to cover his expenses and his portion of rent, so it doesn't technically affect me. Despite this I cannot help but feel so resentful and frustrated. I work from home full time and it is just so frustrating to watch him lounge around, having the time of his life, while I'm putting in 8 12 hour days. I can no longer access empathy when he complains about being sore or tired, which he does often.

Laurie Groh (10:50.606)

I can barely resist rolling my eyes when he brags about what a hard worker he is and about his discipline because he works out. I work out and work a job and maintain our home. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a horrible partner. How can I reframe and tolerate this period of his unemployment without losing my mind and my attraction? I don't see the problem. Yeah, he's having a good time. Yeah. Yeah. I think first validating that it's normal to be frustrated.

or to have some of these emotions come up when there's a big change in your relationship, particularly in terms of like division of labor, income disparity, stuff like that. I think it is normal to have kind of feelings of frustration or resentment come up when that happens. I heard them say that they were feeling really guilty about how they were feeling. And I think it could be helpful to validate that it's a normal thing to feel that way when a big change happens in your relationship.

Yeah, it is the guilt and paying attention to that first is always a good thing. The feeling about a feeling, it's always the one to look to first because once that's addressed, you can deal with that issue you're experiencing. Anger and frustration, they're valid and they're very real emotion. But I also wonder what else is underneath that emotion, like what's coming up for her, whether it's exhaustion from her own work -life balance, the fact that she's carrying a lot on her shoulders, women.

We do a lot. Society is a lot on us, but we tend to take those things on too. She sounds like she has a lot of insight in herself. Doing some insight and some awareness works around it too. What is it that is bothering me about this? What is down there that's causing me to be frustrated and angry and peaceably annoyed? Because I think that's a huge part of relationships. It's a lot of the times we focus on external, like this thing that's making us angry to that surface situation or like that presenting issue. And then...

get stuck in the lead. So I wonder what else for her to and self care. That's the thing if you work in eight to 12 hour days, and you're working from home and she's at home, you need to make sure that you're also getting some time for yourself outside of the house or finding something that you feel like is relaxing, but also fills you up. It's not just about dissociating and disconnecting from a little bit though you might want to do that. But finding something outside of the house that is hers.

Laurie Groh (13:17.644)

rethingers so that they can do that for themselves. Kristen, that's great advice because resentment to me, it's always more useful to think about what resentment is. And I think of it as it's really feeling envious of someone. Like I want what they have going on. And that's probably why that's been so difficult. She's side by side with him. He's watching TV, relaxing. She's working, sounds like up to 12 hours a day. And she wants that.

She wants to sit there for a little bit. So that's a great point to go into what do you actually need during this time. Maybe it is for him to do some more stuff for sure, but it might be saying, guess what? I can't do the dishes tonight because I'm going to yoga. Hope you can help me out by doing them by the time I get home. Thanks, sweetie. Goodbye. Yeah. I think another way to look at resentment is like this feeling of being wronged by somebody.

And people really hate when I say this, but I think like the best way through resentment is to look at your own role in the situation. And it sounds like where she has control, she can't control the timeline that he gets a job or what he does, but she can control what she's taking on. And it sounds like she could set some personal boundaries about just how much she's doing around the house. So she doesn't always need to be the person.

taking out the garbage, doing the dishes. Maybe she's not even giving him the opportunity to do that. Yeah, to piggyback off of Ali. So I agree with a lot of what you just said, Ali. And I think that we are actually responsible for our own resentment within relationships, meaning clearly she needs something and more from him. And I think it's this kind of delicate dance of figuring out what do you actually need?

Do you need to ask pretty directly and assertively for more help or for a more equal or fair or equitable division of labor in the household? And then I think it's managing and hopefully, ideally, he would be willing to do that. Obviously we don't know. But then I think after that, it's her controlling her controllables. So like perhaps working in a space outside of the home.

Laurie Groh (15:40.206)

like a shared work, those shared work spaces a couple of days a week so that she doesn't have to see, she doesn't have to have right in front of her his leisure and ability to exercise and do all the things. But I think ultimately in relationship, it's not our job to tell someone how to function in their life. I don't think that taking time off while you're getting severance is inherently wrong. And I don't think it's fair to project.

a timeline onto another person. These are my personal feelings about relationships. Doesn't mean you can't have feelings about them, but managing resentment is recognizing like, this is my discomfort and that, and I have to own that versus projecting it onto him and expecting him to, to accommodate the way that she would like this to happen. Since it's not affect, she said it's not affecting her directly in terms of finances. Right. Yeah. I feel like that's a key.

component that we might be talking about it differently if that wasn't the case. So kind of just a little bit of fear and anxiety on her part that maybe she is a little nervous that he hasn't taken job search or trying to find something as seriously as maybe she would, right? She's anxious and nervous about what their future holds her and that's manifesting in things like resentment and or jealousy. Sometimes I'll tell clients that hey jealousy,

No, aren't any wrong or bad emotions, right? They're all served some type of function. So if the jealousy, if we turn that around, hey, hey, it's okay to be jealous. Jealousy just says, I want something that somebody else, and it's important to me and I want that. Sometimes you could use that as a motivator to change your lifestyle or to work harder or some steps to get to where you want to get to.

So jealousy doesn't necessarily have to be this, you know, green eyed monster that people talk about, right? So you can kind of put that around. Well, whether it's shame, shame is telling us, hey, maybe I shouldn't engage in this behavior continuously or guilt, right? So people look at it, emotion says right or wrong or bad or good when really they're a chinole intern trying to tell us something, right? So maybe she's willing to look at it that way.

Laurie Groh (18:03.022)

She makes some changes in her life. Doesn't feel like she's the one doing more. We got one more question. I'm not really sure what to say here. I know that he thinks I'm stupid, but I've seen the messages to this one girl. He thinks I can't read or understand Spanish, but he is very wrong. He tried so hard to hide the messages on his phone. I already confronted him once when I saw him texting her in front of me, but I've seen the newest ones and they're so much worse.

I'm sick to my stomach because I've been nothing but a good wife. I've been nothing but nice and kind. Him? Ever since I caught him the first time he's been off and gone, and he is also acting way too nice. What is my next move here? Oh, I'll just say it sounds like this person could benefit from confronting their partner with this information if they haven't done that already, certainly getting it out in the open that you're...

aware of this. So that seems like the first step. It also sounds like she said, this isn't the first time. So this is repetitive behavior. You want to be careful that she doesn't feel like she's being gaslit, that he keeps telling her that she doesn't understand what's going on here. And that's part of an abusive behavior as well. Right. So I think this is all predicated on her question is what's my next step? Well,

And so what do you want to do? Do you want to continue to stay in the relationship? Do you want to exit the relationship? Do you want to work through this with the counselor? Want to make sure that he gets help? What are the things that would lead you to want to continue this relationship or exit this relationship in a healthy way? So I think there's so many more variables that would need to be explored there. But you're right. There is clearly some, at least some hints of gaslighting and...

putting it in, it sounds like in Spanish, hoping she's not going to understand it. Seems pretty intentional as well. So there's something where he's in the middle of it. He's in the middle of it. And I just want to also point out when someone's in the middle of a situation like this, they're going to act in ways that might not necessarily be aligned with how they are in a typical situation. You'll tend to see more adolescent type behaviors when there is an affair going on.

Laurie Groh (20:19.054)

like sneaking, you know, they're all similar behaviors, sneaking out, hiding, writing in a different language. All of that is really an adolescent mindset. There's also a little bit of a lack of respect here. He's doing it in front of her while she's there. So either he wants to get caught, right, or he doesn't have much regard for her. So we have to take that in consideration as well. Right. Any other thoughts? I guess I'd just say that.

It would be important for her to know that without intervention, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. And maybe that's the best. Right. But I think also sometimes in relationships, it isn't obvious because we get, it's not as clear when we're, it's clear for me to say that right now because it's not my relationship, but when we're in it, it can be easy to ignore like that truth. And so.

If she can accept that, at least that clarifies there's two directions. One is leaving and one is getting help of some kind. Cause it sounds like she's not wanting to tolerate the status quo. Right. And I would just say that if she is, they are thinking about repair work. The most important first step is that their partner would need to be willing to be.

honest about what's going on in order for any therapeutic intervention to be effective. And so keeping that in mind when considering the option of repairs, that honesty is foundational for that kind of work and rebuilding trust and all of that. That's a good point. If the work is, if she wants to work on the relationship piece, that is going to be an important factor. And if not, then she can do some more work for herself.

It sounds like works for herself would be, I think, a good next step in general, because there's a lot that comes up with infidelity. And especially when you're the person that discovers that's happening, there's a lot of loss that comes up. There's a lot of grief. There's a lot of complex things that are going on inside of you. And it sounds like in general, the help of having support individually would be really, would be a good next step for her so that she can.

Laurie Groh (22:39.342)

flesh out and get all that out in a safe space and have someone also that's able to hold that space for her and not necessarily jump in and try to problem solve or anything like that, just to allow her to get processed through whatever is going on inside of her and have that space for she could even if she's not ready to make the decision, do I say, and do we talk about getting help and repairing or do I go?

I think that's a good point of taking that time first to figure that out for herself potentially versus doing anything with the relationship. Maybe she doesn't necessarily want it, but doesn't know what to do. Maybe he's confused as well. Any type of therapy process would probably be beneficial for that of sorting some of that out. Maybe even giving herself a loose timeline that makes sense for her. Because the other thing that can happen is the same thing I think we talked about before is.

the cycle of it. Thank you all for being here today. I loved it. It was fun. Thanks for inviting me. Yes. Yeah. And we will hopefully do it again. Maybe it won't, maybe it won't be every guy is the worst guy in the world. Yeah. It seems a little slanted that way. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if you're noticing that at all, Lori, you know, picking that every guy is burst.

Yep, that's my worldview and I'm gonna stick to it. Or you can have some of your buddies doing it. Have them send in some stuff. Yeah, they'll just probably call in and say, I'm the worst. I'm really terrible. Let's have Davina call in. Cool, I will do that. All right, we'll talk to you soon. Thanks for talking. All right, bye. Take care. Bye.